Objective Proficiency p 168. Witty sentences

1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I've only got my shelf to blame.

  2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

  3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

  4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.

  5. I was getting in to my car the other day when a man asked me, 'Buddy, can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'

  6. I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust.

  7. What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

  9. Never date tennis players. Love means nothing to them.

10. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

11. Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.

12. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

13. I was overcharged for Velcro last week. What a rip off.

14. I think I'm emotionally constipated. I just can't seem to give a shit.

15. I've been reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

16. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a 'work station'?

17. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones.

18. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.

19. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

20. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!

21. I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

22. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.

23. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

24. I can't understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word 'apocalypse' means. Sheesh, it's not like it's the end of the world or something!

25. Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two-tired!

26. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He's all right now.

27. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't bother going.

28. I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.

29. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can't believe they sacked me... all I did was take a day off!

30. I was going to tell my pizza joke, but I think it's a bit too cheesy.